Our Second Home

Two years ago I wrote about Dad's move into an assisted living. We were cautiously optimistic. This week I sat with 18 people as we discussed how and why people make this choice and I was flooded with memories. We are so lucky - we made the right choice. But we also did a lot that contributed to making it work that I would like to share.

Dad is somewhat of an introvert - very aware of everything going on, but quiet. It had been a long time since he had made new friends or participated in many social events. We knew that his health depended on him leading an active life and we needed to help him do that.

Dad lives a few blocks away and I visit him daily. Initially I spent a lot of time there and brought him over to our house frequently. As his comfort increased he made more friends, and now I visit each morning for an hour or so. Dad has a daily agenda left on his door each morning. When I visit, I set an alarm on my phone for the activities that I know he enjoys. It takes less than a minute to call and remind him that he wants to go to Rummy Tile or to the Social Hour - but those brief calls are the secret to getting him engaged. 

My sister has been an amazing partner. When I am traveling or tied up with an appointment she steps in and makes the daily reminder calls. She lives in Canada but comes down to visit frequently - staying for up to a week at a time. The three of us have grown incredibly close - a special gift late in life. 

When we visit, we'll go to the courtyard and sit by the fountain. I donated bird feeders and keep them filled. On cold days we'll sit in the lobby by the fireplace. We'll sip water (to keep him hydrated!) and visit with his neighbors, the staff, other families. We've found an extended family. We're often the first to meet new residents and the ones who introduce them to others. My shy, quiet Dad is possibly the best known resident there.

On Wednesdays they have a group outing - museums, movies, restaurants - always something interesting. When he first moved in, I  tagged along to make sure he was safe. Then I decided to volunteer - which I have done for two years. I have a blast and I know it means a lot to Dad. I'm rewarded with very special friendships with many of his neighbors. Assisting 10 to 14 older adults on a public outing with walkers, scooters and wheel chairs has made me very aware of the challenge we face to make this city supportive of aging. So I also know that my help is needed.

On Thursdays they have a Happy Hour with live entertainment and for most of the first year I joined Dad at these - because they were fun and he enjoyed having a date. It was a great way for us to get to know his neighbors and he has continued to go on his own.

In the first year we worried when I traveled that Dad would be isolated during the time alone. That isn't an issue anymore - he may miss me, but he stays busy. 

We volunteer and stay engaged with the schools that our kids attend. This is no different. This is our chance to say thank you. The reward is huge - we have a new extended family and a second home.

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