Our Second Home

Two years ago I wrote about Dad's move into an assisted living. We were cautiously optimistic. This week I sat with 18 people as we discussed how and why people make this choice and I was flooded with memories. We are so lucky - we made the right choice. But we also did a lot that contributed to making it work that I would like to share.

Dad is somewhat of an introvert - very aware of everything going on, but quiet. It had been a long time since he had made new friends or participated in many social events. We knew that his health depended on him leading an active life and we needed to help him do that.

Dad lives a few blocks away and I visit him daily. Initially I spent a lot of time there and brought him over to our house frequently. As his comfort increased he made more friends, and now I visit each morning for an hour or so. Dad has a daily agenda left on his door each morning. When I visit, I set an alarm on my phone for the activities that I know he enjoys. It takes less than a minute to call and remind him that he wants to go to Rummy Tile or to the Social Hour - but those brief calls are the secret to getting him engaged. 

My sister has been an amazing partner. When I am traveling or tied up with an appointment she steps in and makes the daily reminder calls. She lives in Canada but comes down to visit frequently - staying for up to a week at a time. The three of us have grown incredibly close - a special gift late in life. 

When we visit, we'll go to the courtyard and sit by the fountain. I donated bird feeders and keep them filled. On cold days we'll sit in the lobby by the fireplace. We'll sip water (to keep him hydrated!) and visit with his neighbors, the staff, other families. We've found an extended family. We're often the first to meet new residents and the ones who introduce them to others. My shy, quiet Dad is possibly the best known resident there.

On Wednesdays they have a group outing - museums, movies, restaurants - always something interesting. When he first moved in, I  tagged along to make sure he was safe. Then I decided to volunteer - which I have done for two years. I have a blast and I know it means a lot to Dad. I'm rewarded with very special friendships with many of his neighbors. Assisting 10 to 14 older adults on a public outing with walkers, scooters and wheel chairs has made me very aware of the challenge we face to make this city supportive of aging. So I also know that my help is needed.

On Thursdays they have a Happy Hour with live entertainment and for most of the first year I joined Dad at these - because they were fun and he enjoyed having a date. It was a great way for us to get to know his neighbors and he has continued to go on his own.

In the first year we worried when I traveled that Dad would be isolated during the time alone. That isn't an issue anymore - he may miss me, but he stays busy. 

We volunteer and stay engaged with the schools that our kids attend. This is no different. This is our chance to say thank you. The reward is huge - we have a new extended family and a second home.

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Why I Am Running for a Seat on the Board of the Mar Vista Community Council

I love Mar Vista. We feel like a small town while accepting the responsibilities of being part of a big city. It's a very special community.

I often tell people that my volunteer work for the community feeds my soul. I've been working within the Mar Vista Community Council since 2008. I never ran for a seat on the Board -  I was just happy to contribute my time and energy without a seat.

But in the 2014 election, we barely had enough candidates to fill the board seats and the result was low voter turnout (only 217 voters). We have some fantastic board members who do a tremendous amount and they deserve to have partners who work just as hard. 

I was asked to fill a board seat last year when one member had to relocate and I have served on the Board for a little over a year. I am hoping that in the June 5th election we will have more candidates, more voters and more passion. It is essential that a Board Member be engaged and do more than attend Board meetings. I would be honored to have the opportunity to continue to serve on a Board that shares my passion and commitment to serve this wonderful community. I hope that you will vote for me!

As a founding member and Co-Chair of the Green Committee since 2008, I’ve co-founded and organized the Mar Vista Green Garden Showcase, the Mar Vista Water Wise Expo, the MVCC Green Tent and this year’s Mar Vista Eco Car Expo.

In 2014 we created the Aging in Place Committee which I co-founded and Co-Chair. The committee presents a monthly speaker while also addressing policy changes and supporting nonprofit organizations.

After taking a seat on the Board I joined the Outreach Committee - posting events and news to Facebook and joining the effort to keep our community well informed. I continue to volunteer for the Mar Vista Fall Festival. I collaborated with our newly formed Homeless Issues Committee as an organizer of the 2016 Homeless Count. Most important, I’ve worked hard to hear the community on the issues concerning us.

Please save the date and vote on June 5th at the Mar Vista Farmers Market!

Lessons From a Quarrel

Dad has gone from life in a recliner to shopping with me!

Yesterday Dad was annoyed with me - long story, and of course he was right. I take his blood pressure every day and foolishly took it after this 'debate'. It was 159! When I expressed dismay, he said "I guess you upset me". We sat and chatted for awhile and I retook it 20 minutes later - it was back down to 131. 

What happens to those who live alone without assistance? A reading taken in a doctors office could easily be taken following a stressful encounter getting to the office. Will a medication decision be made on faulty data? It is so important that we be a part of monitoring the health of our senior loved ones. 

In the first 18 days of 2015, I've made 5 doctors visits with Dad. When we saw his new general practitioner, I learned that he has an aneurysm in his aorta and has long had atrial fibrillation -  yet there is no record that he was ever seen by a cardiologist. We've seen one now. Overall, his blood tests look good, the aneurysm is below the size that would suggest surgery and we will see his GP every two months and his cardiologist every three months. 

When I told Dad about his blood tests last night, he said "I think I'll be around for awhile' and smiled at me.

The increase in Dad's independence and mobility in just two weeks is astonishing. Where before we were coaxing him to participate in events, he is now looking at the daily schedule in anticipation of finding something he enjoys. Today he will try Wii Bowling! 

When he moved in, we worried that the long hallway from his second floor apartment to the first floor dining room would be too much. Yesterday, the elevator was out and he took the stairs - 5 times! We went out to lunch and I stopped to pick up pet food. In the past, Dad would have waited in the car. Yesterday he joined me, manned the cart and took it back after we unloaded. The lot was full at his place and I had to park down the street and around the corner - I offered to drop Dad off and park and he preferred to make the walk with me.

Two weeks ago, we could barely coax him to walk three doors down in his mobile home park.

Dad is quick to tell people that he has us to thank for this. Not true. He inspires us everyday with his trust in us and his willingness to embrace change. We are all learning how to grow old together.

There's Nothing Really Keeping Me Here....

My sister and Dad at our first lunch out in his new neighborhood

For  months, our focus has been on making Dad's life as safe and engaging as possible. He lost the love of his life on September 19th. For the first time in 62 years, he would be living alone - and he lived 36 miles away from me. 

We had  24/7 caregiving, so we knew he was safe. Our primary caregiver was everything you could hope for and quickly became family. But weekends and vacations had us cycling through nine caregivers over five months. I drove out every Wednesday morning, stayed over night and went home Thursday afternoon. I returned to spend the afternoon every Sunday. He was doing great - but life could be much richer. And I longed for him to be closer to me.

We are lucky. Dad is grateful and compassionate. We enjoy each others company. On a Sunday visit, he expressed concern about the wear and tear on me - the driving, the stress. And he said the magic words - "you know, there's nothing really keeping me here anymore".

I'd had my eye on what looked like a wonderful assisted living complex four blocks from my home. Within days, I'd placed a deposit on a one bedroom apartment. In less than a month, Dad had moved in.  In between, our emotions were on a roller coaster. Dad questioned the decision many times, saying it felt like a step back. With his short term memory loss, it felt like we made the decision over again and again. My amazing sister came down from Canada and spent almost a month away from home. With both of us spending much of two weeks staying with Dad at his home, there were nights when we went to sleep in tears. When all together and filled with love, he had such a wonderful life here. We had to trust that it would be richer still when he was close by. 

It is overwhelming to feel this responsible for someone you love. The emotions are much like when your child is born. Dad had been there for us. Now it is our turn to be there for him.

The move went well. We know we are lucky - we were moving Dad so he would have more time with us, not less. He will actually have more independence in his own apartment with staff nearby. With a 24/7 caregiver, he was coached through every second of every day and there were frequent naps and a lot of TV.  Now he would need to get on his own, get to meals at the appropriate time, manage the remotes for himself, remember which second floor apartment was his. Dad wasn't worried. We were terrified. But if a greater level of caregiving is needed, it's available. We can add services as needed.

The move went smoothly. The apartment felt like home quickly. The staff is wonderful. But my sister and I left the first night feeling depressed and anxious. We raced over the first morning to give Dad the assistance that we were sure he needed - only to find that he was already enjoying breakfast in the dining room. That morning he took a 9:30 exercise class with 20 other seniors. The long hallways and walk to the dining room and parking lot that I was so concerned about have resulted in the lowest blood pressure readings that we have seen in five months. 

We are coaching his independence and Dad is embracing it. There are new habits that will take time for him to adopt - the medical alert emergency pendant, how to open the new pocket watch, the remotes for the TV and ceiling fan lights.

We still have more tasks ahead. We've been able to devote this first week to being with Dad much of his waking hours - a little less each day. He is four blocks from my home and I can spend time with him daily - but not all day. And two or three hours with me still leave nine or ten to fill.

His new apartment is very familiar - filled with what he selected to bring from his home. This began as his idea and we have not put his home up for sale yet - he can go back if he doesn't like it. The complex holds family support group meetings which I plan to attend to get guidance for the next chapters. For today, Dad seems happy and we feel relieved. And yesterday we had the thrill of introducing him to my own friends and neighbors and beginning his discovery of his new neighborhood. Life is good.

Dad seeing his new bedroom for the first time

Blue Jays and Songbirds and Squirrels - Oh My!

Simple changes have made an enormous difference to my 86 year old Dad as he adjusts to living alone with home hospice care.

My Dad always loved being outdoors. I remember him hunting pheasant in the woods behind our house in Michigan and fishing with friends. My sister and I were often called from our rooms for a nature show that we HAD to see on TV. Days off were usually spent working in the yard. When he married my step mother, he found the perfect companion - someone who would go camping with him.

Life is rarely fair and in the past two years they were nearly shut ins. My step mother had reduced mobility and suffered from vertigo, which meant that the house was often darkened by closed blinds. My Dads lungs were filling with fluid and he spent much of the day napping. Their world was reduced to time spent in easy chairs. But they had each other - and they were happy.

In September my step mother passed away. The hospice team warned us to prepare for Dad following closely behind. It has been our mission to make the time he has left the best that it can be. And it is surprising how much little things can make a difference.

A charming hand made bird feeder was being used as decoration - hanging inside the porch and never filled. We moved it to a sunny spot and brought in 25 pounds of bird seed to keep it filled. We continued their long standing habit of putting peanuts out for the Blue Jays and squirrels and moved an unused gift - a wrought iron standing feeder - nearby. We moved the neglected birdbath to the same area and added a hummingbird feeder. We planted container herbs which become part of our meals. Voila! We have a mini wildlife habitat. 

Whenever the weather allows, meals are on the porch where Dad can enjoy the wildlife.  We noticed Dad leaning and straining to see the birds from 'his' chair in the den and convinced him to switch to the chair with the best view. Finally, we realized that his chair at the head of the dining room table gave him a view of the kitchen and moved his seat so he could see the birds.

Conversations with Dad are now frequently interrupted when he notices a squirrel or Blue Jay visiting to find peanuts or a flock of birds congregating at the feeder. 

And those meals on the porch? They are accompanied by song birds who seem to share our appreciation of old blues standards. 

Neighborhood Living – Aging in Place in Mar Vista

In 2001 I moved from the 1942 bungalow that I had recently renovated overlooking Lake Hollywood and moved to the flats of Mar Vista. In very short time, I fell in love with the Mar Vista community and found out what neighborhood living is all about. Today, I know that I want to be able to grow old here.

Aging in place is the new hot topic and a conversation that we all need to engage in. Whether we are young and concerned about our aging parents or looking ahead to what our own needs will be, the conversation is equally important. The Harvard Joint Center for Housing Studies with support from AARP just released this study with some sobering statistics.

·         By 2030 the number of adults aged 65 to 74 will nearly double from 21.7 million in 2010 to 38.6 million

·         The typical homeowner over 65 can only afford in-home assistance for about 9 years – or 6.5 years in an assisted living residence. For renters it is much worse.

·         In 2010, there were more than 7 potential caregivers for every person in the high-risk years of 80-plus. By 2030, the projected ratio will fall to 4 people for every person 80-plus. By 2050, it is expected to further fall to less than 3 to 1.

There are enough concerns that the Milken Institute’s BestCities for Successful Aging Advisory Committee is asking mayors across the nation to sign a pledge that promises to improve life for older adults and residents of all ages. We have a lot to consider – will our homes and our neighborhoods support our desire to age in place? Do we have the community support that we need? Even if our finances allow in-home care, will there be caregivers available to hire? If unable to stay in our own home, are there alternative residential options in our community?

The Mar Vista Community Council has launched the Aging inPlace Ad Hoc Committee and I am thrilled to be a part of it. Let’s start a conversation about what our needs and resources are. Let’s work with the Mar Vista Business Association, our city and county departments and elected officials, and local organizations on our needs for aging in place. And let’s make sure as issues come before MVCC and the City Council that we are paying specific attention to how they support our ability to age in place.

Please join us at  Aging in Place in Mar Vista on Facebook  as we post articles on the topic of aging in place!

5 Steps.....

In July my 86 year old father was hospitalized for what they thought was congestive heart failure and now believe to be lung cancer. Arriving at the hospital to visit him, my 91 year old step mother was in a freak accident and broke her shoulder, 4 ribs and her thumb - as well as being badly bruised. They shared a hospital room for two nights and then returned home to 24/7 caregiver assistance. With that, my education on aging in place began.

Dad returned home to hospice care. He is visited at home by a doctor, a nurse and a social worker. We have oxygen on site and he will receive a wheel chair, a hospital bed and whatever else might be needed. Dad is regaining his strength. He is able to walk their dog Heidi to the front grass and go to the curb to get the mail. Getting Dad to a doctor would be inconvenient, but very doable.

Peggy - older, much more frail and very seriously injured - does not qualify for home care. There is a physical therapist who comes to the house weekly, but we are expected to get her to any number of doctors appointments. Right now, they want us to get her from Santa Clarita to Panorama City for an x-ray of her thumb and for a bone density test. Peggy can barely get to the bathroom with a walker and assistance. The concept of getting her to maneuver out of their home, down 5 steps and into the car is absurd - and far too risky. 

The 24/7 care giver is private pay. On one hand, I'm astonished that $175 a day is enough to hire someone to live in your home and be on call around the clock. But on the other hand, $1,225 is a stretch on a fixed income. Their savings will go quickly. So additional expenses need to be carefully considered.

5 steps mean that a care giver and a daughter cannot safely get Peggy to the doctor. An ADA compliant ramp to cover the steps would cost thousands of dollars. Impractical when she is likely weeks or a few months away from being able to maneuver with assistance. 5 steps mean that we need to use a transport service for these appointments - $260 dollars for the round trip, and with multiple doctors,  there can easily be one a week. 

This week we just said no. She's not ready. The appointments are not worth the stress. They'll have to wait.

We have a large population of aging boomers. As we build new housing, it is time to think about how we should build to support aging in place.